If you have an entitlement schema, you’re probably good at getting what you want out of life.
When it comes to dating, you expect people to prove themselves to you. There’s an innate feeling of superiority - they’re lucky to be with you at all.
In relationships, you expect your partner to meet all of your needs. And if they fall short, you may have a tendency to lash out, either by throwing a temper tantrum or saying hurtful things you later regret.
When your partner bends too easily to your needs, you lose respect for them. But when your desires aren’t met, resentment and frustration take hold.
In other words, they can’t win.
Every schema finds its origin in our upbringing and the entitlement schema is no different.
Perhaps you grew up in an environment with minimal boundaries. Almost every whim was entertained, and if not, a few tears or persuasive words could sway the situation in your favour.
You may have been “daddy’s little girl” or the family’s favourite “golden boy”. Perhaps you had a particular talent or you were especially gifted at school. Or maybe you simply enjoyed the unique attention reserved for an only child.
But this schema can also develop for the opposite reasons. You may have had very little growing up, emotionally or materially. Your parents may have been neglectful. You felt downtrodden and deprived, and dreams of better days are what kept you going.
Or, you may have grown up in the shadow of a dominant or erratic family who chipped away at your self-worth.
Adopting a self-centric way of being in the world became a defence mechanism - it was a way of ensuring past vulnerabilities wouldn’t resurface.
To save yourself from being bullied, you became the bully instead.
If you can relate to this, you may recognise that there can be a cruel side to your character. It isn’t there all the time but it can come out in heated moments and leave you feeling out of control.
When something triggers your schema, you may feel a surge of adrenaline. For a time, it can make you feel powerful, giving you a momentary high… When you’re in this mode, there’s no filter and you’re out to “win”. You may say things that you know are going to really hurt the other person or you may become so angry that it frightens them.
But as the moment passes, you look back and wonder what came over you. You feel ashamed and regretful but too embarrassed to fully make repairs.
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